There was this boy in college (the first time around) who i thought hung the moon and he would always say things to me like you’re the prettiest girl in the room and skip classes with me and sit on the ground with me while I smoked my camel lights even though I’m pretty sure he didn’t smoke and i was just a fucking clueless waste of space and wanted so bad to kiss him but turned about 27 shades of red whenever i looked at him… anyway i found him on facebook randomly while creeping on some people i’m actually friends with and i want to friend request him but it was like 15 years ago and i’m still a stunted 17 year old and he’s probably still too cool for me.
I’m suffering from boredom and lack of a topic tonight. I’ve seen other people ask for this and it seems cool, so send me a name and I’ll tell you a story about that person.
Got my laptop back and managed to reinstall the stuff I need but I’m finding it hard to say anything. Probably because all I want to do is go to sleep for about a week and maybe eat pepper jack cheese and pretzel crackers once in a while. And is it really too much to ask for that some boy lays in bed with me and listens to movies while I think about making him into a blog post? I need to get evernoting, it’s the 5th and I only have 8 notes so far. I had 150 for November. Also, I’m pretty seriously looking into doctoral programs again. Pretty sure I need Doctor in my title to validate my feelings of inadequacy and because I don’t really know what to do with myself when I’m not learning something. Also because I’m good at school and not so good at anything else in life ever so the more degrees I obtain the less I hate myself?
Getting homesick for Chicago, for your body, for the taste of your skin, for bars that stay open all night and boys who don’t care about my name or if I call them yours. I’m getting homesick for windy streets and hotel rooms and Lakeshore Drive, N St Clair, Wacker.
So listen up, my old friends have been dropping like house flies
the smoking gun still sits in my pocket and I know how to use it
hey hey, now we’re almost home, I’m missing you to death but it’s all for the best I know
for just this once, I’ll take my chances on truck stops and state lines
I am thankful for the Internet and not much else.
the number of people who have kissed me while I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended they were you.
the number of boys I’ve called your name in regular conversation.
the number of times it happened.
the number of times I’ve been sorry for any of this.